the magic pill.
the magic pill.
As the year comes to a close and we’re forced to reflect, I can’t help but feel meh towards 2022. At the start of every year, we collectively proclaimed
this is going to be my year!
Like warriors in battle, we charged ahead wielding our lists of goals and vision-boards like swords ready to conquer our enemies.
Okay, maybe that analogy was a little aggressive. Is anyone else as obsessed with House of the Dragon as I am? I digress. The usuals (procrastination, losing those extra lbs, and letting go of that toxic ex) were all on my list too, but at the start of the year I made a new choice.
To.
Get.
On.
Medication.
Since I was a wee babe, and I do mean a wee babe, I’ve had crippling anxiety. The kind that keeps you from going outside because you’re convinced you’re going to get run over by a semi-truck while crossing the street, or your tire might explode on the freeway causing you to lose control, crash through a metal divider, and fly off a cliff into the ocean. Obviously, geography isn’t one of my anxiety’s strengths. I live in The Valley. I longed for the freedom to go for a walk without the voices convincing me otherwise. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and call my mom without spiraling into a black hole of irrational what-ifs. Has anyone ever died from a phone call? My anxiety had me convinced that I would be the first.
I’d had it. I broke down in therapy as the realization set in.
I.
Needed.
Help.
I rejected the idea of getting on medication for all the societal conditioning reasons that exist, but my intuition kept pushing me towards it more and more each day. Eventually, the whispers turned into shouts so lound I couldn't ignore them.
It was fairly easy to find a psychiatrist, make an appointment, and get the meds. On January 1st down the hatch the yellow and blue pill went. Fast forward 12 months and unfortunately, I don’t live in a house in Topanga Canyon with Emmys on my mantle and a slew of New York Times Best Sellers on my bookshelves. I was sure that once I began taking medication all of my problems would be solved. It would be the magical solution I’d been waiting for my entire life. Turns out, Wherever You Go, There You Are (Jon Kaba-Zinn is a life changer people!).
The anxiety is less intense, and I can go on walks without falling apart but there are no extreme accomplishments. At least, not in the way I fantasized.
Perhaps magic is less conspicuous than I understood it to be.
Perhaps magic works in mysterious ways.
Perhaps magic takes its sweet time pouring over us slow like honey.
Patience has never been one of my virtues, but as I take stock I can proudly announce that the toxic ex has been kicked to the curb. I’m still working on the extra lbs and the procrastination. I guess those will have to roll over to next year’s list. For now, I’ll keep vision-boarding and going in the directions of
that which whispers yes ✨
After all, 2023 is gonna be my year! I can feel it!
Love & Magic Always,
B.